Coming stage. Now keep it going for Lucas water.
I'm better than most people
and not because of my disability, but because of the stupid shit.
People say to me constantly
like the other day,
I was rolling down the street and I was stopped at a crosswalk
and this woman
came right up next to me
and she said,
may I pray for you?
And I said, sure
thinking that she would pray away from me
like in private
at her own home.
But no, she proceeded to put her hand on my shoulder and yo, Jesus Christ,
please heal this man from his head down to his toes.
And at first I was pissed,
but then I looked at her,
I looked at my feet.
I looked at her,
I looked at my feet. I looked at her, I go,
it's working,
it's working.
I can feel
I
can feel as you start being your
dogs, la la la I can feel.
And a third man walks up to us
and he goes, please, sir,
stop mocking that mentally handicap woman.
Um A
a lot of people ask
weird questions about my condition. You know,
they always ask
did I do, I feel
out of place in
social situations
and I'm like, I used to,
I used to feel out of place.
I used to feel
like an outcast, like I didn't belong,
but then I started drinking with other alcoholics.
So I feel more part of the group now
I feel more comfortable,
you know, I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not. Um,
it's hard to tell nowadays, you know,
the definition is too loose. It's hard to tell
the questions they ask
are too loose. Like,
do you drink when you're depressed?
Oh, yeah,
I want to be happy.
Do you drink when you're alone? Well,
when I'm alone, I'm depressed.
We've been through this. You keep asking the same question.
I think by our definition, anyone could be an alcoholic.
I think by our definition, anyone could be.
I think by our definition, Jesus Christ himself was an alcoholic.
Could you imagine Jesus in a, a,
no,
hello. My name is Jesus Christ
of Nazareth.
Mm.
I'm the prince of peace,
the king of kings,
the Lord of Lords.
That alpha and Omega.
And yes,
I'm an alcoholic.
I first realized I had a problem when I would
go to parties and when the parties were over,
instead of just going home, I would start turning all the water
into wine
and, and um, I'm a mean drug. So
what I would do I would go to that temple and just start flipping
all the tables over
and then I started doing something weird.
I don't know why I started washing random women's feet.
I don't know why I did this. I thought that's what they wanted.
Um,
the game, the prostitutes,
uh,
I don't make much on a carpenter's salary
so I would have to pay them with whatever I have, which is eternal life.
Um,
then my father forsake me
and, uh, I had a hangover that lasted
like three days.
But I've been sober ever since
I've been sober for about 2017 years now.
And I do what every sober person does.
I just sit around and judge people all day.
Oh,
I'm going to hell for that joke.
I was going to hell long before that joke though
because little known secret, all crippled people go to hell.
It's true.
There's too many steps to get to heaven
but, but we're trying to get change. We really are. We're trying to get change.
But you see heaven's historical landmark.
Sure. We can get that stuff changed.
But Peter yells down to us every now and then
he, uh
he says
her yo do doing down there and we're like,
you know, it's
hell, it could be better. But we're all right.
We're like, so
he's like, sorry
about that.
We got some big guys up here can lift you up and we're like, no,
we don't wanna be a burden.
What about Jesus? Where he, where is he? Oh, he's in a meeting or something?
Well, we don't need a miracle. We just really need a ramp. That would be great.
Thank you. That's my time.