As soon as I had the strokes, I decided that I wanted to do a story about it.
And I told the doctors early on,
I was going to write a show called a piece of my mind
because I had lost a piece of my mind in the stroke.
And I think I started writing it
like the day after.
And when I was laying in bed in the rehab center,
I would
make notes.
And it just seemed to me that the best way to process the
event was to write it up as a story and to perform it
as a theater guy.
You know, that's what I do.
I've always wanted to get one rhythm going with my hands,
uh a different rhythm going with my feet and
then keep them both going at the same time.
It's a lot like this, which I can do.
But I've always been able to do that. I, I can even reverse that,
but I just can't get this hand foot thing going.
And it's not something new. I wanted to do it since I was a kid.
You just assume that after all these years of thinking about it,
I'd have,
my name is Eric Barr
Obama is the president.
It's May
2013.
So I didn't
anything else you want to have. We can do it again later.
I was, my birthday is 3 22 1951.
I don't always sound and look like this.
This is what 30 years of marriage has done to me.
It just,
it really, it, there was a feeling for me of, of desperation
that it was totally out of my hands.
Um,
the night that he had the massive stroke,
I asked them to please give him the medication to stop it. You know.
Um,
and they told me that so much of his brain was destroyed already that they couldn't,
they couldn't, that, that he would probably kill him.
And
I, I said to the doctor, I said, if so much is destroyed already,
what have we got to lose?
It was, I mean, it was a really, really,
really scary time because for the first couple of days
we didn't know if he was going to survive it.
Um, as chair,
I was getting phone calls from his brothers every couple of hours
with updates and some days it was nothing but bad news.
And
so the sense of how really devastating is it, it was.
And right away, you know, he had lost the power of speech, he had lost mobility,
he was paralyzed.
There was just
like I said, for the first couple of days, all the news we were getting was not good.
I was very saddened to hear that something had
that tremendous had happened
and, and we were very shocked and we were very worried
that something really bad was gonna be coming from that.
And, and the whole department
was, was very saddened and very
uh
we could not believe that what happened, what had taken place.
It is so great to see you all in the theater tonight rather than at my funeral.
In this way, I can share with you what happened to me
and tell you how I'm working to recover from my strokes.
I offer this piece of my mind as a cautionary tale and as a road map,
should you or any of your loved ones find
yourself on a similar unexpected and unwelcome journey.
I knew that when he was at the Los
Gatos nursing home,
he talked about writing a show
and I know that a lot of the people there probably were
very skeptical of the fact that he would write a show,
knowing
the challenges of doing a show and the kind of energy that it was
gonna take and his desire to do it the way he would want to.
I was worried what it was if he,
if he could be successful and at the end of it was it gonna be what he wanted?
So it was sort of this mix, this double edged sword, the anticipation of it,
the worry about it.
Even, even when I watched the,
the dress rehearsal, I, I turned to my wife and I said, I, I, I'm nervous.
Prison.
What do I do?
Are you ready? Just read
it?
Hm.
I think I've got
it. Let's give it a try.
Hello?
Oh.
Oh,
hello,
Marge.
Can I see you?
How is that?
Good. Great.
That will be
fine.
Thank you. We'll be in touch.
Thank you, Mr Oh,
that's Moen
Isaac Moen.
Right?
Oh, you're
not
with this friend,
aren't you?
Well, friend?
Oh, yeah, we're friends
or
something. But it was,
I'm an actor now.
Well,
the
world you
are really. Yeah,
thanks.
It's ok. I owe
helpline.
I
want
God,
I don't believe in God.
You
know
what I mean?
Um,
I, I get this very real sense that being an actor
and applying the lessons of acting has actually helped you in, in reality,
to recover, to become yourself again.
And I mean that in a way that
you're performing yourself and therefore you're becoming yourself.
I believe. That's true.
It's hard to remember who I was though
before my illness. I was living my life as a husband, professor,
husband, professor, writer and department chair
and moving steadily toward my future.
Just like many of you.
I was a gym rat in excellent health.
I didn't have to worry about
death waiting just off stage in the waiting.
So, Eric at this moment in time
is
sort of returning to who he once was. But he is coming to back to it
from the experience of having nearly died
and nearly lost his entire identity.
Um,
it's a really traumatic journey and, uh,
one that I don't think many people could survive.
Uh, one of the things I told him after his
first communication to me when he was able to really kind of,
uh, get a hold of me after the surgery and he was letting not just me,
but the other faculty members know that he was alive.
Uh Was I said he was the toughest son of a bitch I'd ever met.
That's getting to the point. I'm almost ready to talk to God again.
It must be serious.
It is
here on that moment. Do a little bit more of a turn away and then turn back.
So you're talking to Karen, turn away. You're getting your
case
in the side.
I did all that for you. Now give me a goddamn ice chip.
You'd help Jerry's kids. Come on, help me
remember what Jesus said when he came down from the cross,
Jesus, am I thirsty?
You know what would help everyone
and
the kinds of things he went through.
Most people couldn't have survived. And it is his
determination and his love of life and his,
his sense of humor and his dedication to his friends
and family that he wanted to share his story.
And I think give them
extra um
inspiration
to live their lives in a better way. He's always teaching. He's a born teacher.
I know that he goes to therapy 34 or five times a week.
I know that he's exhausted when he's finished with therapy.
But I know that he knows the importance of it.
I'm
so delighted that he maintained a sense of humor
and I know that he suffers from bouts of anger about what he's been through.
And I know that he,
that he is able to overcome those uh angry moments,
you know, by working hard and, and, and realizing that he has to deal with the,
you know, the cards that he's been dealt.
And one of Eric's real strengths.
And I think, you know,
part of the testimonial of the fact that on the night of his one man show,
prior to the evening, we had 276 reservations.
And then on the night of the show, 400 people showed up.
And to me,
there's no greater testimonial to who he is as a
man that people came from all over the state,
from some from back east, his doctors, his psychiatrist,
everybody that had an investment here wanted to be here for that performance.
And for me,
that's so much about who he is because
he inspires loyalty and he inspires friendship.
He is a mentor.
He is somebody that people trust and respect and who he is as a professor, as a man.
And as a teacher are all very much
the same guy
performing. Even when he was on his death bed, he was still
performing. It was just, it was amazing. It was really amazing that
he had the, the will and the fortitude and strength
to um
to keep
on the bright, brighter side of things.
I, I don't think that I would have been able to do that and
come through it as gracefully as he did
in April 2013.
It was discovered that I had developed a
massive infection in my heart from that first surgery
and all of the new parts had to be removed and replaced.
This infection was eating away at my heart and its electrical system.
The strokes took me back to my
infantile state,
giving the,
giving me the bladder and bowel control of my one year old
self and the impulse control of my two year old self.
You kid.
Ok.
It's a very strange transition
to be fully full body,
capable,
capable of
doing martial arts, sports activities,
riding horses and doing all sorts of things.
And then the next day not being able to do anything
because you don't know if you'll ever be able to do things again.
There's this great fear
that you'll be trapped inside your body forever
and never be able to get out. Talk about a selfie
that's looking down into my heart after the infection and valves have been removed.
The surgery was successful and a new pristine valve was put in place
while the surgeons may have saved my life.
It took a team of nurses and therapists
to give my life back to me.
A week after my rehabilitation,
I was transferred to an acute rehabilitation center where I spent the next time,
nine weeks upon leaving the hospital, I was only able to be moved in a Hoyer lift.
I was paralyzed. I couldn't sit up without the help of three nurses.
I fall right over like an egg.
I was just there. I was just a bag of bones in the sack,
standing and walking were not even within the realm of possibility.
I couldn't even swallow safely
at the rehab center.
They p popped me down in a wheelchair and to ensure that I didn't fall out,
they strapped me into the seat belt
and an alarm that squealed if I move,
hell, I couldn't get out. Even if I had to look at those eyes.
I don't think I even understood the concept of standing up
ouch.
Although I'd become a stranger in a strange land.
It was interesting to me
that Shakespeare still had something to say to me
for weeks after my strokes and surgery.
Sonnet 29
was a Touchstone for me.
I kept going back to it to test my memory and my ability to read and to speak.
It still captures my feelings about where I am in my life.
When in disgrace with fortune
and men's eyes. I all alone be weep my outcast state
and trouble death. Heaven with my bootless cries
and look upon myself and curse my fate.
Wishing me
like to one more rich in hope
featured like him,
like him with friends, possessed, desiring this man's art and that man's scope
with what I most enjoy. Content. At least
yet in these thoughts, myself almost despising
happily. I think on the
and then my state
light to the lark at break of day, arising from sole earth,
sings hymns at heaven's gate
for thy sweet love. Remembered such wealth brings that.
Then I scorn to change my state with kings.
First act. Stranger in a strange land conduct into this new world.
In act two, I talk about the medical issues
or specifically
and try to give people advice what to do,
what to look for in case their loved one has symptoms.
When I walk up to a public urinal for the very first time,
I had to decide
whether to be over or under.
My female therapist did not train me for this particular
aspect of.
I know you're wondering,
I went over
my younger and shorter brother who was helping me
that day in the bathroom said he would have chosen
this route
but
to each his own.
Yeah.
Act three is stranger at home.
What it's like to come home after an illness and it's not just a stroke,
but I think it talks to people who've had any kind of illness.
Look out here
good work.
It's
awesome
when you have an illness, it puts you in a hospital rehab facility or nursing home.
The day finally comes when they tell you
it's time to go home.
This is a day filled with excitement, anticipation
and fear.
I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.
Being back in my study,
being near my books, computer and dog
in total, I'd been away from home for about six months.
The days you go home arrived and I was scared
before they release you. However, they give you a day pass,
a test run, so to speak, to make sure you can function in the real world
despite succeeding at that.
But I did get home.
This stranger in a strange land had become a stranger in his own house.
The home I loved
posed innumerable challenges for me.
I couldn't get up to two stairs to get in the front or back door, to get into the house.
My feet got caught in the carpeting
to get to bed at night.
I had to drag myself up two flights of stairs, 16 steps to be exact.
By the end of the day, those stairs might as well have been Mount Everest.
Can
tell him how you guys been doing.
We've been doing this a couple of weeks. I was certified in equine therapy, but
I think they
didn't really know what he kind of therapy was because it's not this.
So I had to let them know I was not qualified to be doing this,
but we went for it because it
just seemed the right thing to do.
Ok.
And, uh,
so it's been about 23 weeks now
and, uh, the first time all he could do was get one step.
That was it. And then it was a three count.
Um, And as you saw, he reached to 15,
but he could do more
and even just lifting the leg over, it's a big deal. There's a lot of balance involved
and a lot of um
strength on just one arm.
So it's actually, it's actually much more challenging
than you can even imagine.
So they're, they're big, they're big achievements, walk,
walk,
feels guilty that he can't do the things that
he used to do
it. To me, it, it's not a burden at all.
I really enjoy my horses and enjoy all the,
all the mucking of corrals and the feeding and the pulling hay.
And I love walking the dog.
So II, I don't see where it's
where anything is a is an added burden. We're still doing the things
that we used to do. He,
he um
I know
it bothers him much more than it bothers me.
It doesn't bother me at all early on in my recovery, like many stroke survivors.
I did not accept the loss of my left side.
I completely denied that my left arm and my left leg didn't belong to me.
These aren't mine. Mine work.
Doctor Naz pointed out my dear Eric.
If you don't acknowledge your own leg as yours,
how can you ever help them to get better?
The same is true in life except accepting what you were given,
enables you to work with it and turn it into something else when life throws you shit,
pretending that those things aren't turns won't help you deal with them.
Once you accept them for what they are,
you can begin to clean up the mess and get on with your life.
Alternatively, when life throws you something good,
you need to accept it, work with it
and be damn grateful for
it back and forth. We came in in June, Bob came in July.
It was just,
they just support each other
in such a way that it, it's, it's just a beautiful thing to see. And we have two sons
and it's such a
privilege
to say to my boys.
This is uh an example how to run your life.
They've been such wonderful role models. I can't tell you how grateful
and I'm not supposed to be the one emotional, but it's, it's just something um
that's extraordinary
and finally don't take life so seriously.
Even in the darkest moments, there are things to laugh about while in Stanford.
I was in room
D
226,
late one night. When I was close to death, an emergency code blew, rang out
over the P A system code. Blue
B 226
code, blue
B
226.
I laid there waiting for the team to rush in and to resuscitate me.
After a long pause, I turned to Karen
and said
the bad news is someone just died.
The good news is it wasn't me. And I've got bingo
to quote Mel Brooks.
I don't want to wax philosophic,
but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs,
you got to jump around a lot.
Life is the very opposite of death. And therefore you must, at least
you must, at the very least think noisy and colorfully or you're not alive.
So, since we're all alive and have beaten the odds, let's make some noise
if you're alive and you know it, give a shout, I'm alive
if you're alive and you know it and you really want to show it, students and alumni,
I'm alive.
Back on to you
alive.
It was great.
Uh One of the things that, you know, the stroke has made me a patient.
So most people see me as someone with handicaps.
And when I was on stage, I just sort of let everything go and I was just
able to perform and do all sorts of crazy things and say silly things and
engage with an audience. And I was no longer a patient.
I was just Eric, the performer
and that was wonderful.
So, you felt yourself then? I felt like myself. Yeah.
So
I guess you've got to put yourself out there because no matter which path you're on,
you're on it
and they're all right and wrong.
I'm
thinking of leaving Hollywood and heading to Colorado.
I feel like I need some space and silence to figure it all out,
some clean air and bright light.
Uh, maybe I just want to feel myself riding off into the sun,
my horse and me and my old guitar,
of course, I don't ride
and I don't play
and I don't even think I like the out of doors,
but there's no time like the present to learn.
No time
a
so.